A Year of Fostering

I have this huge swirly tornado of thoughts going on in my brain right now. I have so much to say. So much to share. But so much has happened in our little home it's hard to know exactly where to start. So, let me try making this as simple as possible: God is good. First & foremost you must know that. 

My journey began at 18 where I was told I was never ever going to be able have children. Despite advanced science and technology pregnancy just wasn't in the cards for me. And my diagnosis came with so much more. It came with 10 surgeries, a total of 900+ doctors appointments in the span of only a couple of years and severe depression. My depression ran so deep that at times ending my life seemed the only appropriate way out.  But I continued on living the best I knew how.  I became a Christian and living for Jesus. Life was still hard but with God life became worthwhile again. I met Matthew and eventually we married. Marriage was hard. It brought up feelings of inadequacy in me I had long since moved on from. We began to discuss starting a family and although he knew my diagnosis and love me despite what I could not give him I was pained at the thought of never having a beautiful little boy with striking green eyes and a killer smile just like Daddy. 

So we began the adoption journey. And nine months after beginning the process of adopting we met our beautiful son, John. And it just so happens that both father and son have the exact same killer smile that melts my heart. We enjoyed our little family and our easy little life in California. But God guided us to Las Vegas.  And so we moved far from all we have ever known and wondered why we were here. We decided it was time to have our family grow again and expanding our family through foster care adoption lay heavily on our hearts and in a whirlwind of paperwork, licensing and training we became a certified foster family. 

We told the county workers we hoped to adopt and we'd like to accept children in our home only between the ages of 0-4. I'm almost positive God was quietly chuckling at the plans we were so meticulously laying out for our life. Maybe He was shaking His head and smiling as He muttered under His breath "Those cute little O'Briens.  They have no idea what's about to happen."  And that's the truth. We had no idea just how much our lives would change. 

We began to foster.  Some children stayed for months and some for only days.  And then we were presented with a placement of an 18 month old girl and her 13 year old big sister. We very clearly laid our our plans to the county saying only children under 4...but when they told us about big sister our answer was yes. So all of a sudden we were parenting a teenager. They two sisters left our home quickly but the sweet 13 year old girl opened our eyes to a new side of fostering and we began pursuing placement of an older child. We called up the placement team and asked if they had any pregnant teens in need of a home. Yep.  We had officially gone crazy.  We were veering off the well beaten path and walking into the great unknown. Within days of making that call we welcomed into our home a beautiful 16 year old girl who was almost six months pregnant. 

We now had a home filled with children and another on the way. I looked around at my life and would whisper to God "How in the world did we get here!?"  and it became glaringly obvious that God dragged us out to Las Vegas to adopt our children.  We bonded with our teenage foster daughter. She felt like a little sister to us. John quickly fell in love with her, mimicking all that she did. Our infant baby girl we had also been placed with benefitted from a new big sister in the form of all day cuddle sessions. And we all accepted the learning curves we were on and did the best we could. A few short months into our new lives I rushed our 16 year old to the hospital where she gave birth to a beautiful little girl.  I held our girls hand and prayed over here. I held her leg and said "push!"  We loaded her precious newborn into the car seat the next night and came home. 

We have all adjusted to this crazy life we lead. We have a good routine going and have built solid relationships. So of course this is where God interrupts our cozy little lives with another adventure.  We will be adopting a baby girl that is currently not in our home. She was placed in our home before and we always considered her a daughter. Our love for her ran deep and her leaving our home broke us in ways we never fully recovered from. But that sweet baby girl was back in care and in need of a forever family.  Now we wait on the county to place her back in our home and proceed with the adoption. Any day now we are expecting her return. And then our beautiful sixteen year old transformed into an awesome mama and student and Christian right before our eyes. Now she's 17. And we have the pleasure of announcing we will also be adopting her. That's right. At the ripe old ages of 28 and 30 we will be adopting a 17 year old. A teenage daughter. We never saw that coming and we couldn't be more excited at this unexpected surprise!!!  And hopefully soon we receive news that the six month old in our home will also be in need of a forever family....and that will expand the O'Brien family from a family of three into a family of seven within the next 12 months. 

And we couldn't be any happier. 

Friends.  Remember the beginning of my story?  It started with a diagnosis of infertility. It started with so much hurt at the thought that my future husband and I would never have any children. And now?  We have a three year old son, a ten month old daughter-to-be, a seventeen year old daughter to be, a six month old baby girl we hope becomes our daughter, and a two month old that will be considered our GRANDDAUGHTER!  

Seriously?  How did we get to call so may children ours!?  How do we even deserve this life we've been given. We don't. But the grace of God has given it to us anyway.  I look around at my home and all the people in it and have to stop myself almost every time from falling to my knees in a puddle of tears and crying out to God "We're not worthy!"  Because this life is good. Of course, we still have our struggles and of course we experience growing pains. But in between the valleys we have some beautiful peaks. And we are so grateful to face each valley and each peak as a family.

Another Goodbye

Today at 8:30 AM our beautiful little Rae of Sunshine will be leaving to be reunified with her mama. We love the way that Rae & her mama are together and the joy they share in each other's company so we feel a little comfort knowing Rae will probably be happy in her new home. 

But.  I'm sort of over saying goodbye & I'm pretty sure my heart just can't take it anymore. My heart hurts and if we keep saying goodbye to more children I won't even have a heart left. When Duckie left he took a piece of my heart with him. When The Bean left he took a piece of my heart with him and when Rae leaves in just a few hours she'll be taking a piece of my heart with her, too. How many more times can we get attached only to let them go?  People are right when they say "I can never do that. I'd get too attached"  because it's true. You do get too attached. You watch this child blossom and bloom right in front of your eyes. You watch them learn to trust and love. You watch them find joy and happiness. You watch them sleeping in awe of every breathe they take. You wake up at midnight and 2am and 4am and rock them when they're sick. You get covered in their spit up and drool.  You change their diapers and bathe them and feed them. You celebrate holidays with them and put their pictures on your wall. Essentially you give them you're all because that's what a child deserves. And then they leave. And you end up broken and hurting. But, what if we had not stood up and said we would take this child?  She could have easily been institutionalized.  She could have easily gone to a home that may have held her at arms length unwilling to attach and love. She may not have found joy, love & happiness. She may not have been prayed over and for. She may not have ended up as the beautiful tiny human that she is. So, despite the hurt we feel we continue on. We love more children that will probably go. And we will experience so much joy in sharing their life that we will attach to them  and hand over a piece of our hearts when they go too.  

And maybe when we get to Heaven, The Lord will say to us "Well done, good & faithful servant." and then and there our hearts will be restored and we'll know we did exactly as The Lord had commanded us. And it will be good. 

Saying Goodbye to The Bean

If you don't follow me on Instagram then there is a pretty good chance you don't know that our little man, The Bean, went home yesterday.  His reunification with family has been by far one of the most beautiful things I have ever been a part of.  It's also been one of the most difficult.  I've been trying to sort my feelings out regarding his sudden goodbye and I've been struggling...I knew I needed to write about it.  So, here it is.  My thoughts about welcoming The Bean into our home and family & then having to say goodbye.

We originally thought that our little man would be with us at least through his first birthday.  We thought we had time.  But, on a Friday we found out he was leaving & four days later he was gone.  The morning he left was the final court hearing where The Bean would officially be reunified with family.  I had the incredible privilege of sitting in the back of the court room and watching bio-dad fall to his knees in tears & praising God as the judge awarded him full custody.  I couldn't even begin to grasp the loss I would soon feel because his joy was far too contagious.

When I got home Matthew & I  packed that baby's bags, put the other two babies down for their naps, and then we laid on the floor in the living room letting The Bean use us as his jungle gym.  He smiled, and scooted, crawled & climbed all over us.  He drooled on our faces and laughed as we tickled him.  He had no idea that life as he knew it was about to change forever.  It was finally time for us to meet with the case worker to hand The Bean over to family.  Matt loaded him into his car seat & kissed him one last time.  He closed the door behind us as I walked down the stairs knowing Matthew would likely never see his boy again.  When I arrived at the hand off location I helped load the case workers car up with all of the baby's possessions and then it was time for me to hand him over and let his new life begin.  My arms stretched to the case worker and her arms stretched to mine and before I knew it The Bean was no longer in my embrace but hers.  I made him promise me he'd have patience with his Daddy.  I made him promise to take it easy on him.  And then we went our separate ways. 

I sat in my car dumbfounded.  I mean, that is my boy.  It's me he looks for in the morning & me he wants when he's crying.  It's Matthew he snuggles with at bedtime & John John he plays with during the day.  It's our smell he knows, our house that is his home & our love that changed him from the inside out.  How can this boy that we've grown to know and love just all of a sudden be gone?

I came home with an empty car seat.

That night I put John to bed in a room that should have been filled with baby snores from the Bean as he slept soundly in his crib.  But his crib was empty.

My arms ache from the loss of his presence.  It's incredibly difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea that The Bean exists somewhere else outside of this family.

But he does.

He is living with his dad.  And his dad loves him more than anything.  We trust that his dad will keep him safe and healthy & happy & that The Bean will never again be a ward of the court.  We know that in a matter of time The O'Brien family will be only a part of his story that he has no recollection of.  He won't remember our faces, our smell, our home or our love.  And that's okay.  We will always remember him & he will always hold a piece of our hearts.

I feel incredibly privileged to have had such a small part in this beautiful reunification.  I thank God for allowing The Bean to show up at our door & needing our love.  I thank God that his mom and dad both want him, love him & will work together to keep him safe & happy.  But, in spite of all the wonderful that this particular case has held, it does not lessen the pain that we feel.

We feel such loss.   I woke up this morning & wondered if he was okay.  Was he looking for me?  Was he wondering why all of a sudden we were gone?  Did he cry his way through his first night in his new home because he wanted us?  How can such a little person that we've only known a few months have so much power over our hearts?  How can such a little guy in such a short amount of time leave behind so much sorrow?  Well, I guess because in spite of all the crazy he put us through, we opted to not be titled his FOSTER family but rather we just considered ourselves his family.  No titles needed other than just that one.  And losing a family member is never easy. 

Would we do it all over again?  Absolutely.  And eventually we will.  Eventually we will take more children in & likely say goodbye to them, too.  And it will hurt.  And we will miss them.  And I'll have to write more blog posts so I can sort through my emotions and reminisce on those tiny people to come.  We foster because God has asked us to care for his children & we do it out of obedience to Him.  We take the good and the bad and everything in between to show these children the Gospel through our love for them...& to The Bean:  You are always in our hearts & I am so happy that you are finally home.